When the Holidays Are Hard — Coping with Family Stress, Old Wounds, and Big Feelings

The holidays are often marketed as “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for a lot of people, that’s… not the whole truth. For many, this season brings joy and stress. Warm nostalgia and old emotional landmines. Maybe you’re excited and exhausted at the same time. Maybe you dread the group text about who’s hosting. Maybe you’re already practicing deep breathing before walking through a particular front door.

Here’s the truth: The holidays hit differently when you come from a complicated family system, have trauma triggers, struggle with mental health, or have experienced rejection, loss, or strained relationships.

And that’s okay to acknowledge.

Why the Holidays Can Stir Up So Much

Regardless of your background, identity, or family structure, this time of year can activate:

• Old roles — falling back into “the peacemaker,” “the problem solver,” “the quiet one,” or “the one everyone vents to.”

• Unresolved trauma — certain rooms, smells, traditions, or dynamics can pull up memories you didn’t ask for.

• Pressure to perform — to be cheerful, to keep the peace, to show up even when you’re drained.

• Grief or loss — missing people who are gone or relationships that no longer look the same.

• Guilt — especially if you’re considering stepping back from certain gatherings or choosing different holiday plans.

Whether you’re navigating cultural expectations, generational trauma, mental health challenges, or identity-based stressors (such as being LGBTQIA+ in a family that may not fully understand or accept it), the emotional weight can feel very real.

Real-Life Examples of How Family Stress Shows Up

Here are some common experiences people talk about in therapy this time of year:

1. Old patterns pulling you back in

You’ve spent years building boundaries, but the moment you enter your parent’s house, suddenly you’re 14 again and being criticized for not doing enough.

2. Differences in values or identity

Maybe you’re LGBTQIA+. Maybe your partner is from a different culture. Maybe you’re parenting differently than your family did. Maybe you're simply trying to live healthier boundaries than your family practices. Whatever the situation, those differences can create tension, discomfort, or painful reminders of past invalidation.

3. Comments that land like a punch

“Well, you always were sensitive. ”“When are you settling down?”

“You know we love you, we just don’t understand your lifestyle.”

“You’re coming this year, right? Don’t disappoint us.”

Even seemingly “small” remarks can activate big feelings when they hit old wounds.

4. Being around people who have caused hurt

For some, family gatherings include people who:

• Dismissed their mental health struggles

• Acted abusively in the past

• Were emotionally unavailable

• Didn’t protect them

• Still minimize or deny what happened

That’s real, and it matters.

So What Helps? Coping Strategies That Actually Support Your Mental Health

These strategies apply to everyone, whether your holiday stress comes from trauma reminders, family conflict, cultural pressures, or identity-based challenges.

1. Plan Ahead for Emotional Safety

Before any gathering:

• Identify potential triggers

• Decide what you won’t engage in

• Choose a grounding tool (breathing, mantras, a walk outside, time in the bathroom to regroup)

• Have an exit strategy if needed

This isn’t avoidance — it’s preparation.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Choose What’s Healthy

You can:

• Leave early

• Attend part of a gathering

• Say “no” without a 3-paragraph explanation

• Spend the day with friends instead of family

• Create your own traditions

This includes the growing trend of Friendsgiving or spending the holidays with chosen family — people who respect, understand, and affirm you.

Spending the holiday with supportive people does not make you ungrateful. It makes you healthy.

3. Boundary Scripts You Can Actually Use

• “I’m not discussing that topic today.”

• “Let’s change the subject.”

• “I’m stepping outside for a minute to regroup.”

• “I love you, and I’ll participate in the way that’s best for my well-being.”

• “I won’t tolerate comments like that.”

Short. Direct. Respectful. Effective.

4. Regulate in Real Time

Small tools that help big:

• 4-7-8 breathing

• Holding something cold

• Grounding with your senses (“5 things I can see…”)

• A short walk

• Texting a friend or therapist-approved support person

Your nervous system deserves support, not criticism.

5. Let Yourself Feel What You Feel

If grief shows up, let it. If relief shows up, let it. If anger pops up, notice what boundary wants your attention .If joy sneaks in, don’t analyze it — receive it.

Your emotions are information, not obligations.

Normalizing Chosen Family — for Everyone

“Choosing family” isn’t only an LGBTQIA+ concept — although it’s especially powerful in that community. More and more people from all walks of life are redefining what family means.

You are allowed to build holiday spaces that feel:

• Safe

• Warm

• Respectful

• Loving

• Playful

• Affirming

Blood isn’t the only foundation for belonging. Healthy connection is.

When You Need More Support

If the holidays bring up trauma, suicidal thoughts, or intense distress, please reach out to someone immediately. These crisis lines are reputable, accessible, and inclusive for all populations:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US) — call or text 988

• Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741

• The Trevor Project — especially supportive for LGBTQIA+ youth; call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678-678

• Trans Lifeline — 1-877-565-8860

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline — 1-800-950-NAMI

• LGBT National Help Center — peer support lines

• PFLAG Support & Hotlines Directory

These are credible, professionally staffed resources, not random.

Final Thoughts — From Your Friendly Neighborhood Therapist Who Has These Conversations Every Year

You’re not weak if the holidays are hard. You’re not dramatic if you set boundaries. You’re not selfish if you choose emotional safety over tradition;

Happy Holidays, Come as you are.

And you’re not alone — even if your table looks different this year.

The holidays don’t have to be perfect. They just have to be healthy.

If you’re ready to explore healthier boundaries, process family stress, or build a holiday plan that protects your wellbeing, reach out today.

📞 Root Cap Counseling: 806-590-0064 Your healing matters — and support is only a call away.