"Not Ladylike"-Was a Cage
- rootcapcounseling
- 4 days ago
- 6 min read
A Women’s History Month Reflection on Voice, Power, and the Courage to Take Up Space
Growing up, I carried a curiosity that often felt… punishable.
I remember asking questions that seemed simple to me but uncomfortable to others.
Why were girls taught differently? Why were we expected to behave differently? Why did the same traits—confidence, directness, ambition—sound like leadership in boys but “attitude” in girls?
When I wanted to explore things that were labeled “for men”—certain careers, certain authority, certain skills—I didn’t just hear “no.”
I heard a story about who I was allowed to be.
"That’s not ladylike."
"That’s inappropriate."
"You're too aggressive."
Sometimes it wasn’t just my curiosity being corrected.
Sometimes it was my voice. My accent. My tone.
Before I even finished speaking, it could feel like someone had already decided whether my voice belonged in the room.
And the message underneath all of it was not subtle:
"What I wanted mattered less than what would keep everyone else comfortable."
For a long time, these were just experiences. We weren’t having conversations about where these expectations came from. I was just learning how to survive moments and then calling it normal.
But the older I got, the more I realized something I wish someone had said out loud when I was younger:
“Not ladylike” wasn’t just a phrase. It was a cage built over generations.
The Cage Has a History
Sometimes people treat these experiences like they are just part of culture.
But much of what we now call “culture” was once written into law.
For example, under a legal doctrine called coverture, married women did not have independent legal identities. Their rights were essentially absorbed into their husband’s identity—affecting property ownership, contracts, and financial independence.
Then came social expectations dressed up as moral ideals.
Historians describe something called the Cult of True Womanhood, which promoted the idea that “good women” should embody four traits:
1. Piety -The expectation that a woman should be deeply religious, morally “upright,” and guided by faith in how she behaves and makes decisions.
2. Purity -The idea that a woman’s value is tied to being sexually innocent and morally “clean,” often placing heavy pressure on women to meet strict standards about behavior and relationships.
3. Submissiveness -The belief that women should be agreeable, obedient, and not challenge authority—especially the authority of men.
4. Domesticity -The expectation that a woman’s primary role should center around the home—caring for family, managing the household, and focusing on private life rather than public or professional pursuits.
In simpler terms, it praised women for being quiet, agreeable, and small.
And when women tried to enter professions considered “male,” the barriers were real.
In 1873, Myra Bradwell was denied the right to practice law. The Supreme Court upheld the decision, with one justice writing that a woman’s “destiny” was to fulfill the roles of wife and mother.
Women eventually fought for and secured the right to vote with the 19th Amendment in 1920.
The 19th Amendment to the United States Constitution is the law that granted women the right to vote. Ratified in 1920, it made it illegal for states to deny someone the right to vote based on sex, marking a major victory in the women’s suffrage movement after decades of activism and protest by women across the country
But women’s history in the United States is not one single story.
And the experiences of women of color were never separate from this struggle—they were layered inside it.
Legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw later gave language to what many women already knew through lived experience: race and gender intersect. They don’t take turns.
For many women of color, that meant carrying more than one cage.
Not ladylike.
Too loud.
Too aggressive.
Too different.
The Bars Still Show Up Today
When people say, “things are better now,” they’re not wrong.
But they are not finished either.
Across the United States, the patterns still show up in measurable ways:
Women working full-time earn about 81 cents for every dollar paid to men.
Black women earn around 65 cents, and Latina women about 58 cents compared to white, non-Hispanic men.
Women hold less than one-third of corporate leadership roles, and women of color make up only a small portion of those.
Women remain underrepresented in STEM fields and skilled trades.
These numbers aren’t just statistics.
They’re evidence that the cage didn’t disappear.
It just got modern paint.
What That Pressure Does to the Body and Mind
When something happens occasionally, we call it stress.
When it happens constantly, researchers call it weathering.
Weathering describes the wear and tear on the body from chronic adversity.
It shows up in the nervous system. In exhaustion.
In always bracing yourself before speaking.
Then there are microaggressions—small comments or behaviors that send the message that you don’t quite belong.
Being interrupted. Having your competence questioned. Watching your ideas gain traction only after someone else repeats them.
And sometimes there is identity shifting.
Changing your tone. Rehearsing emails. Softening your personality.
Not because you want to.
Because you learned what happens when you don’t.
A Wisdom Figure: What Would Sojourner Truth Do?
One of the women I often think about when navigating these moments is Sojourner Truth.
Born into slavery in New York in the late 1700s, Truth became an abolitionist and women’s rights advocate after gaining her freedom.
In 1851, she delivered one of the most powerful speeches in American history: “Ain’t I a Woman?”
In that speech, she challenged the idea that women were fragile, incapable, or meant to remain silent.
She spoke about working fields, enduring hardship, and still standing with dignity.
Her question was simple but revolutionary:
“Ain’t I a woman?”
When I think about a wisdom figure skill in moments when I’m being minimized, I sometimes ask myself:
What would Sojourner Truth do here?
She would not shrink.
She would not apologize for existing.
She would tell the truth about what she sees.
Sometimes the most powerful move is not becoming smaller.
It is becoming clearer.
Small Practices That Protect Your Voice
These are not fixes.
They are tools I practice so that the cage does not become my identity.
Choose support intentionally
Have one person who will listen without minimizing your experience.
Someone who will say: “I see what happened. Let’s think about your next move.”
Reset your body after difficult moments
Even three minutes of slow breathing can help calm the nervous system after a tense conversation.
Name what you feel
Instead of suppressing emotions, try simply naming them.
“This is frustration.”
“This is grief.”
“This is my body responding to stress.”
Write the truth down
Expressive writing research shows that putting experiences into words can support emotional processing.
Try writing three sentences:
What happened. What I needed. What I will protect next time.
Return the conversation to substance
When someone tone-polices you, gently redirect.
“I’d like to stay focused on the recommendation and why it matters.”
Finish your point
If interrupted, it’s okay to say:
“I’m going to finish my thought, and then I’d like to hear yours.”
Protect your ambition
You do not need to exhaust yourself proving your worth.
Excellence does not require self-erasure.
A Question Worth Asking
If you have ever been told you were “not ladylike,” I want to offer the question that changed my perspective:
Who benefits when women stay small?
Women’s History Month is not only about honoring the past.
It’s about recognizing the voices that refused to stay quiet and making room for the voices still fighting to be heard.
Women of color are not a footnote in that story.
We are not “too much.”
We are not less.
We are human.
And we deserve full access to choice, safety, dignity, opportunity, and power.
If this reflection resonates with you, share it with someone who might need language for what they’ve been experiencing.
Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do for each other is simple:
Tell the truth out loud.
-Omaira "O.G" Garcia, MS, LPC, CCTP
Root Cap Counseling (806) 590-0064
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